Yesterday my husband posted an entry - a mock interview of himself. At first, I thought it was because he was angry, because earlier in the day I had spoken to a friend of ours online - and mentioned everything. She has been more a friend to him, and he had said he had told her what happened... apparently he hadn't. So, when she did speak to him, from what he told me she ripped him a new *hole*.
But later he told me he was not mad in anyway, and that the entry was just his way of getting things off his chest... "admitting" everything. That did not make reading it hurt any less.
I know he did not mean to hurt me by writing it. And he did not hurt me... but reading it did. Seeing in writing things I already knew... and even some things I didn't. For instance, that they exchanged pictures... really hurt. I still have not found it in myself to ask him directly how she looks. That is a question burning inside me - though I don't even know if he would tell me the truth.
Things have been very good between us recently. I sort of feel though like reading that yesterday knocked me back a few steps. It just reminded me that I should not force everything back so far in my mind and try so desperately to ignore it, when really, it hurts so bad - every second of every day.
He has betrayed me horribly. He has made me feel pain no one should have to feel - especially when the cause of that pain is from someone you love so intensely.
I will get through it... We will get through it, together. Yesterday was a step back for me... a big one. Now, I hope he can help me take two steps forward.
02.18.2004
11:52 a.m.
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