With the good - comes the bad.

For everything given to me... something seems to be taken away. Life never used to be like that - and I want to go back to that... but I have no idea how to get there again.

My husband's job is going wonderfully. This seems to truly be the financial break we have desperately been needing... we are finally going to fix up several rooms in our house that I have hated since we bought it - but we bought it anyway knowing how easy it would be to fix the problems... we have the financial freedom to go to dinner here and there, and not worry about what check will bounce "this" pay period. That is an amazing feeling considering how things had gotten the past 8 months or so... but with the good... comes the bad.

I am feeling very, very distant from my husband these days. He gets up in the morning... and thankfully the baby gets up with him so he gets about 10 minuets with her then he is off to get ready for work, and leaves by 7:30am. He does not bother to leave work until 7:00pm, which does not put him through the door here until 8:00pm. After that we are then either frantically running errands (as I don't have a car anymore) or are trying to unwind from the day for about 2 hours and then we begin the bedtime "routine." I hate this. I feel like we have not "really" spoken in weeks. I feel like the baby is missing out on very important time with her daddy. I feel very, very alone. He says it won't stay like this - and I say "how?" He is setting up this time frame as his "norm" now - and there is no reason it will change... HE is the operations manager, the only operations manager, and that won't change... so why would his reasons for "having" to stay change?

I don't know. This just feels like one of those totally useless entries with no real point. I just don't know. I wonder, did he even notice how slowly I had to get up out of bed last night because of how much my hip was hurting - does he notice how carefully I have to turn over once I get in bed... does he know how much I am missing him or is he too wrapped up in himself right now? Last night all he kept saying was how "tired *HE* was" or how "*HE* needed some pampering"... what about me? I never get a break either.

This morning he asked me if everything was "ok" - but I could not tell him any of this then. Talk about bad timing. My baby girl had fallen back asleep and he was "rushing" to get to work... so I just got around the question.

Maybe I am just over tired.

08.21.2003
12:33 p.m.