I feel like I need to say something...but what? My head feels all jumbled... like there is so much in there I need to get out... but why? Putting it out on paper (virtual paper, but still...) will not make it go away. It will not solve the problem. I am not even sure it will make me feel any better...
Friday I was stunned. Yesterday I was still stunned... today... well... today I realized that was it. My husband had the "perfect" job here... and through a blind twist of fate... nearly unstoppable... with the snap of a finger it's gone.
When he called me on the phone on Friday, he said one thing to me that has stuck and gone round and round in my head since... "I am afraid you are going to leave me..."
It breaks my heart he would even think I would leave him over losing a job in this way (an honest mistake) and just makes me want to cry. When he first said it all I could say was I am not going to leave you... but he did bring it up again yesterday, or this morning... it is all a bit of a blur... but I was able to specify to him... "I will only leave you, if you hurt me..." not over a job. Something like this... these are the moments where we need each other. I know how upset he is... I can feel it. I sit here regretting not being upstairs at his side right now, because I know he needs me... though he insisted he is ok. I will correct this problem soon... I want to go wrap my arms around him and say "it will be ok" and I want him, need him to do the same for me...
I know we will make it through this just fine. There is no alternative.
I believe I see an inevitability here though. We are done with Illinois. At least for now. I do really like it here. It has everything I love about New York, with the benefit of wide open spaces and NEW developments and construction. Maybe in time we will find our way back... the school district is supposed to be one of the best here... but for now - no matter how much I like Illinois... Illinois does not seem to like us. We have had one thing after another since moving here, and I am tired of it. I would prefer to not go back to Long Island specifically... no one particular reason, other than numerous bad memories... maybe upstate New York... close to my step-daughter... (seeing the panicked "THAT close to ME" look on his ex-wife's face would also be a priceless moment...) being close to her would make weekend pick ups so easy, and would virtually eliminate worrying about weekend snow storms and such (which his ex-wife always managed to squander time from us due too), and then there are the other "North-East states" any of which would work... and would put us so much closer to help his mother out... she won't say it, but she needs support so much right now. We certainly are not helping here... I feel we are much more like a leech than support.. "oh, what crisis do they need money for this week..." sort of thing...
Now watch... here I am preparing myself to have to go... and he will manage to find a job here. I am also so worried about running into a "dead end" again... this last job he finally got took months to get, and aside from it there was hardly anything...
There is just so very much to worry about right now. And I am trying to keep my head up for my husband... as I know he is doing for me - but it feels like I could sink into a deep pit of simply being overwhelmed so, so easily. We need a "fix" for this... and we need it fast.
My horoscope for the 24th (today, or will be in 20 minutes or so) says at the end: Feel free to let go of some of your control. Let fate take you where it will in this department. Also, make sure that you don't worry so much about things. Worrying will cause doubt - something you don't need at all.
Doubt... currently there is really just one thing about all of this I am sure of... Illinois has been very bad for us. But just because I say that... does not guarantee it will change. Where ever my husband finds a job... that is where we will go. As long as we are together... myself, my husband, and my sweet babies... everything will be just fine.
01.23.2005
11:35 p.m.
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